


A Remembrance

by ImperialKatwala



Series: Conglomeratestuck [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Conglomeratestuck, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Homestuck AU, I'm Actually Kind Of Proud Of This, Lots of OCs - Freeform, Mentioned deaths, Now including a story about dragons, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), This is so bittersweet holy cow, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-16
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-06-11 12:47:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 13,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15315834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImperialKatwala/pseuds/ImperialKatwala
Summary: Remembering what used to be, and what can never be again.- - -AK: I'm so scared that I'll forgetAK: That I'll wake up one day and poof, I won't remember their names or their faces or their hobbies or even their chumhandlesAK: So that's thisAK: So I won't forgetAK: So I can't





	1. Chapter 1

 

apparatingKnight [AK] opened private chat room 'Remembering'.

AK: So theoretically I'm alone in here  
AK: No one should interrupt  
AK: ...  
AK: Ha  
AK: Am I really doing this?  
AK: Really?  
AK: ...  
AK: But I guess... I need to  
AK: Before I forget  
AK: I'm so scared that I'll forget  
AK: That I'll wake up one day and poof, I won't remember their names or their faces or their hobbies or even their chumhandles  
AK: So that's this  
AK: So I won't forget  
AK: So I can't  
AK: Just something to  
AK: I don't know  
AK: Keep them with me  
AK: I'll write in here whenever I can  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	2. Chapter 2

 

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I guess I should start with their names  
AK: There were eight of us playing the game  
AK: Me, aka Ella, aka graphicPancakes  
AK: Cory, polishedTeardrops  
AK: Lucy, dimensionalNarrator  
AK: Sean, scientificSingularity  
AK: Dana, flickeringDownfall  
AK: Fred, rainbowVisions  
AK: Kate, absinthialPotato  
AK: and Matt, countryPrince  
AK: We never met in person until the game started, but even online, they were my closest friends  
AK: If I'm being honest, they were my only real friends  
AK: We told each other everything  
AK: It was nice, having people who knew you so well they could finish your sentences  
AK: Especially if you have a habit of typing them like mine  
AK: In chunks  
AK: And I'm getting that back  
AK: a little bit  
AK: with Eri and Kar and the others  
AK: And it's nice  
AK: Whoops, Kar is messaging me  
AK: I'll continue this later

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	3. Chapter 3

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Matt's favorite food was raspberry pie  
AK: He loved country music, too  
AK: We all used to joke that he was our resident cowboy  
AK: I sent him a cowboy hat for his birthday a few years ago and he sent me a selfie of him wearing it  
AK: He looked really happy  
AK: Looking at that picture always made me smile  
AK: Now I think it might make me burst into tears, but I'm pretty sure I would still smile  
AK: Because I made him happy  
AK: And that felt really good  
AK: Even if it didn't last  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	4. Chapter 4

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Kate had a laugh like sunshine  
AK: That's a really cheesy and silly way to describe it, but it's true  
AK: It brightened up the room and sounded so light and airy, but solid still?  
AK: I don't know  
AK: The first time I heard it I wanted to keep hearing it forever  
AK: It was just such a pure sound  
AK: Sean had a nice laugh, too, but his wasn't sunshine; it sounded like a waterfall  
AK: Deep and loud and bubbly and so enthusiastic  
AK: Sean didn't care what people thought about him, he just went and did and /existed/  
AK: It was the thing I most admired about him  
AK: His laugh was a lot like him  
AK: It wasn't ever timid  
AK: Dana's was  
AK: Dana always seemed to apologize for existing, even without saying anything  
AK: I never knew her to take a leap of faith  
AK: Ever  
AK: And she /always/ put other people ahead of herself, no matter how much it hurt her  
AK: I kept things from her, sometimes  
AK: Just to try and keep her from burning herself out  
AK: It didn't always work  
AK: But I tried  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	5. Chapter 5

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I changed my chumhandle  
AK: After I appeared here and we set up a new account for me  
AK: I liked being graphicPancakes  
AK: But it didn't really feel like /me/ anymore, if that makes sense  
AK: GP was someone from long ago and far away with so much hope and wonder and she was just so naive about /everything/  
AK: She had /no idea/ how the world worked  
AK: So I left her with her friends  
AK: And I became apparatingKnight  
AK: This wasn't really about my friends, but I thought I should talk through my reasoning  
AK: I think this helped  
AK: My next entry will be about my friends, I promise  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	6. Chapter 6

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I broke down today  
AK: I just got done crying  
AK: It was awful  
AK: I'm shaking a bit  
AK: ...  
AK: I guess I'm just in a slump  
AK: It's been a month or so since I appeared  
AK: And I really miss them  
AK: They were so important to me  
AK: And now they're gone  
AK: I guess I've been thinking about it more lately  
AK: And then I went into the common room and Jane was talking to Roxy about baking and it reminded me of Kate who loved cooking  
AK: And Aranea was telling a story and since I was thinking about it it reminded me of Lucy, she told stories all the time  
AK: And then Eri came up to me with that /face/, the one Sean had sometimes, the really open and happy and excited one, and he started gushing about science like Sean did  
AK: And I just  
AK: I couldn't  
AK: It was too much  
AK: So I said something  
AK: I don't really remember what  
AK: But it was probably along the lines of 'I have to go'  
AK: And I  
AK: just  
AK: I ran  
AK: And I ran and I ran and I ran and found an old dusty room and ran in and curled up in the corner and started sobbing and it was awful  
AK: I miss them  
AK: I miss them so bad it hurts  
AK: And I don't know what to do  
AK: ...  
AK: Eri's messaging me  
AK: He wants to know if I'm okay  
AK: I probably confused slash scared him when I ran off  
AK: I'm going to let him know I'm okay and try to find my way back  
AK: I might be lost  
AK: Hm

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	7. Chapter 7

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Cory loved rocks  
AK: He had a whole collection  
AK: He could tell you all about the difference between igneous or metamorphic and stuff like that  
AK: And where to find cool rocks  
AK: He just  
AK: Liked rocks  
AK: He told me once he wanted to be a geologist  
AK: It struck me as really sweet, for some reason  
AK: Just  
AK: I don't know  
AK: Even in the game he collected rocks  
AK: It was just something small but special that made him happy  
AK: Eri and I talked, and he said I should probably write more in here, so I'm most likely going to make more short little things like this

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	8. Chapter 8

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Fred had synesthesia  
AK: That thing where your senses combine with each other and you taste colors or something like that  
AK: Fred heard colors  
AK: He /loved/ music  
AK: He told me different instruments and different notes made different colors, so he could tell if an instrument was out of tune with what color it sounded  
AK: He played the violin and wrote music for it based on colors  
AK: After he told me he did that I asked if he could send me some  
AK: It  
AK: I can't even describe it  
AK: That song was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my life  
AK: I'm not a music buff so I can't analyze it like with key changes and different harmonies and all that but it was just so beautiful  
AK: He titled it 'Summer Sunset' because he said those were the colors he saw when he played it  
AK: And I remember listening to it and wishing I had synesthesia so I could see it too  
AK: The first time we Skyped he said my voice sounded like 'a soft grey-green'  
AK: He said I sounded pretty  
AK: I think he said Dana sounded like a washed-out blue and Cory sounded like a clay-red and Sean was a deep blue-green  
AK: I loved listening to him describe things  
AK: He made the world sound beautiful  
AK: Even in the middle of the game he was always smiling and gentle and had something positive to say  
AK: It was nice  
AK: I think we needed someone like that  
AK: A bit of beauty in the chaos  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	9. Chapter 9

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Lucy sent me a sweater for my birthday about three years ago  
AK: It was Pepto-Bismol pink and it said 'Rock On' in neon green across the front  
AK: There were sequins all over it  
AK: The thing was so tacky  
AK: I loved it  
AK: Lucy put a lot of effort into getting people things like that  
AK: So tacky they were hilarious  
AK: And she knew exactly the right amount of tacky to make something for each friend  
AK: I always enjoyed getting presents from her, and so did everybody else, I think

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	10. Chapter 10

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Kate taught me how to cook things  
AK: She sent me lots of recipes  
AK: Apple pie was one of them  
AK: Also risotto, chicken noodle soup, deviled eggs, and pumpkin chocolate chip muffins  
AK: I'm sure there were more, but that's all I can remember off the top of my head  
AK: She liked cooking  
AK: She was really good at it, too  
AK: That's why we had a lot of the food we had during the game  
AK: She had a lot of basic ingredients at her house and wrote down the captcha codes for all of them once the game started and she realized what was happening  
AK: Then she baked things and wrote down those codes too  
AK: So she kept sending us the codes for things like chicken Parmesan and garlic bread  
AK: We never went hungry  
AK: She made sure of it  
AK: Kate also loved gaming, and she was the one who roped all of us into playing SBURB, so  
AK: maybe  
AK: the food was her way of apologizing or trying to make up for it  
AK: The fact that we were stuck there because of her  
AK: None of us saw it that way, but knowing Kate, she probably thought we did  
AK: She tended to latch onto things and worry at them in a downward spiral of obsession  
AK: She told me once that she used games and cooking to distract herself from her latest fixation  
AK: And SBURB kind of took priority over other games  
AK: So maybe she was using cooking to cope  
AK: Not the worst coping mechanism I've seen  
AK: ...  
AK: I hope it helped her  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	11. Chapter 11

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I've been thinking about this a lot and I'm pretty sure I've reached a definitive conclusion  
AK: Matt and Dana would have been moirails if we had known what moirails were  
AK: He was always trying to make sure she was okay and she was always doing little things for him to make his life easier or happier  
AK: I think Matt told me once that Dana sent him pictures of flowers or her cat or the sky or something every so often  
AK: Maybe two or three times a week  
AK: Little things  
AK: And Dana told me that Matt was number one in her speed dial because he was always the one she went to if she needed someone to reassure her or calm her down  
AK: They were always so sweet together  
AK: We all shipped it  
AK: They kind of technically already were moirails, but they definitely would have made it an official relationship if we had known about the quadrants

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	12. Chapter 12

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Fred and Sean would have bad joke wars  
AK: Like all the time  
AK: Fred had the typical puns and Dad Jokes(TM)  
AK: But Sean  
AK: Hoo boy  
AK: Sean knew like five million science puns  
AK: Let's see if I can remember some  
AK: 'How do you throw a space party?' 'You planet!'  
AK: 'One atom said to another atom, “I've lost an electron!” The other atom asked, “Are you positive?”'  
AK: And he and Fred would just go back and forth until someone else told them to take it to a private chat  
AK: I never minded, though  
AK: It made me laugh  
AK: ...  
AK: I described some of their laughs earlier  
AK: I wonder how they would have described my laugh

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	13. Chapter 13

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I haven't talked about Lucy yet, have I?  
AK: We always had to be cautious around Lucy  
AK: We all loved her, of course, she was wonderful  
AK: But you had to take /everything/ she said with a grain of salt  
AK: Lucy told stories  
AK: A lot of the stories she told were fictional, designed to entertain people  
AK: But sometimes she would tell stories about herself  
AK: And you never knew if what she was saying was a story or not  
AK: She blurred the line a lot  
AK: She had me convinced for about a month she had an aunt named Winnifred who lived in Italy  
AK: The only reason I don't still think her Aunt Winnifred lived in Italy is because I mentioned it in a group chat  
AK: Kate said she thought Winnifred lived in Chicago  
AK: Sean mentioned hearing about an Aunt Agatha in Italy  
AK: In other words she had told everyone a different version of the Aunt Winnifred story  
AK: That became a sort of an inside joke  
AK: If you thought something might be a trick or not quite true, you called it an 'Aunt Winnifred fact'  
AK: Even Lucy picked up on it  
AK: And she was good about telling us some things without embellishing or changing details  
AK: For example, life or death things, or things in-game  
AK: I think I can count on one hand the number of times she told us tall tales after we started playing  
AK: And those were about small things, probably just to get her mind off of what was happening  
AK: And I won't begrudge her that  
AK: We all had our own ways of coping  
AK: And if she ever told us more stories than that  
AK: I guess I'll never know  
AK: And I think I'm okay with that  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	14. Chapter 14

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Sean loved science  
AK: Every kind of science  
AK: All of the science  
AK: He loved math and figuring things out and working through data  
AK: And he loved discovering things and running experiments and getting his hands dirty to learn things  
AK: The learning was his favorite part, I think  
AK: He would run experiments in his everyday life  
AK: And he didn't stop during the game  
AK: If anything, he ran more  
AK: We knew a lot of what we did because Sean worked it out due to observing and experimenting  
AK: And just being smart in general  
AK: Sean was incredibly intelligent  
AK: Also a very enthusiastic sharer of knowledge  
AK: You barely had to mention science and his eyes would light up and he'd tell you what he was currently studying and or working on  
AK: It was sweet  
AK: I learned a lot from him  
AK: We all did  
AK: I think he would have grown up to be one of those people with like twelve college degrees  
AK: And he would have had a blast doing it  
AK: And then I think he would have changed the world  
AK: Revolutionized science itself  
AK: I think if any of us had the potential to do that, Sean did  
AK: And it would have been amazing  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	15. Chapter 15

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I keep catching myself mentally collecting things for them  
AK: Dave will make a joke and I'll file it away because Fred would have laughed at it  
AK: Or I might hear a story and wonder what Lucy would have thought of it  
AK: Or I'll be talking to the trolls about their food and think about how much fun Kate would have had making troll food and blending troll recipes with human recipes  
AK: And maybe Kar talking about rom-coms might remind me of Matt and make me wonder if he and Kar would have bonded over romance movies  
AK: (Matt liked rom-coms and made me swear not to tell anyone when I found out ssshhhhh it's a secret)  
AK: But I keep noting things and tucking them away even though I know there's no point  
AK: Over the time I've known them I suppose it became a habit to collect things I thought they might like  
AK: And I can't seem to break it  
AK: Though maybe that's not such a bad thing  


apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	16. Chapter 16

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: We had an online sleepover once  
AK: All eight of us  
AK: Kate found a movie streaming site and we all made popcorn and curled up in blanket nests  
AK: We kept a Pesterchum window open the whole time and critiqued the movies  
AK: It was a lot of fun

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	17. Chapter 17

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I've talked about laughs a few times, but I haven't mentioned everyone I've heard laugh, so I might as well  
AK: I liked hearing Fred's laugh  
AK: It was kind of wheezy, almost, like he'd already been laughing so long he was getting hoarse  
AK: And you were only just now hearing him  
AK: It was infectious  
AK: It made a room feel happier  
AK: Lucy's laugh was  
AK: well  
AK: She made a 'snork' sound when she laughed really hard, which would usually result in her laughing even harder  
AK: Lucy laughed at her own jokes, which always struck me as kind of funny and sweet, in a way  
AK: Matt had this big, booming laugh  
AK: It was so /loud/  
AK: You could be on the other side of a house from him and still hear him laughing as though he were standing right next to you  
AK: It was nice, though, hearing him so happy  
AK: Matt didn't really laugh often  
AK: Usually he would just chuckle or do that thing where you exhale sharply through your nose  
AK: So when he let out an actual laugh, it meant he either thought something was hilarious or he was just really happy  
AK: And it was nice to hear both things  
AK: Who haven't I done?  
AK: Ah yes, Cory  
AK: Cory's laugh was kind of staccato  
AK: Haha, music term, I did learn something about music theory from Fred after all  
AK: Staccato means kind of choppy  
AK: Cory laughed like 'Hah hah hah hah hah', with a break between each 'hah'  
AK: It was a fun laugh to listen to, actually  
AK: I think that's everyone

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	18. Chapter 18

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Cory liked to read Shakespeare  
AK: He encouraged me to read some and always knew what the old words like 'forsooth' and 'verily' meant, so if I got confused I could just ask him  
AK: I read the Tempest and we had a very interesting discussion about it  
AK: Whether or not Prospero and the other characters were good people  
AK: Whether or not the characters made good decisions  
AK: We also read and discussed A Midsummer Night's Dream  
AK: That one was funny  
AK: I saw it performed  
AK: Shakespeare makes a lot more sense performed instead of just being read  
AK: Book form takes out all the dramatic nuance  
AK: But anyway, I really enjoyed discussing Shakespeare with Cory  
AK: Seeing how he interpreted the stories gave me a bit of insight on his thought processes  
AK: And besides  
AK: It was fun

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	19. Chapter 19

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I just realized I've never said where anybody's from  
AK: Matt lived in Arizona  
AK: I don't know where in Arizona, the place is just big and flat  
AK: He sent me pictures once  
AK: It's just flat and red for miles  
AK: Dana was from California  
AK: Diamond Springs, I think  
AK: She lived about 50 minutes from Sacramento  
AK: And I did the math, Diamond Springs is about 4 hours from Sequoia National Park and 6 hours from Redwood National Park  
AK: She went to go see very big trees every so often  
AK: Cory never told me where he lived  
AK: But then we Skyped  
AK: And it turned out he was from Minnesota  
AK: He had /such/ a Minnesotan accent it was /glorious/  
AK: And Kate lived in Georgia  
AK: Apparently Georgia is really hot in the summer and Kate doesn't really like heat that much  
AK: She notified us whenever she felt like the sun was about to 'cook the state of georgia like a sunny-side up egg', as she put it  
AK: In other words when it got too hot for her liking  
AK: I think she lived in Peachtree City  
AK: Sean was from New York  
AK: Not the city  
AK: Upstate  
AK: Near Syracuse, I'm pretty sure  
AK: It got cold there  
AK: He reported -8 degrees one morning last winter  
AK: So two extremes  
AK: They often joked about trading states with each other  
AK: Lucy lived in a lot of places, I think  
AK: She moved around a lot  
AK: From what I can tell, she lived in England for most of her childhood, then moved around Europe  
AK: She tried telling me she was from all sorts of places, but she typed words like 'colour' and talked about tea time and biscuits  
AK: So I knew she was from England, at least originally  
AK: And she confirmed it later  
AK: Fred was from North Carolina  
AK: Winston-Salem  
AK: He liked it there  
AK: He said the people were nice  
AK: Though Fred could find nice people everywhere  
AK: Even in the game he found nice people  
AK: Though were they people?  
AK: His consorts  
AK: I'm talking about his consorts  
AK: They were these teal-colored otters and they were quite shy  
AK: But he managed to make friends with them and said they were adorable and just very happy to have a friend  
AK: He introduced me to a few  
AK: They were /so goshdang precious/  
AK: And then there's me  
AK: I lived in Connecticut  
AK: About 20 minutes north of Hartford  
AK: It was nice there  
AK: I miss it  
AK: It was a bit cold in winter, but I like snow, so that was fine  
AK: But if I had owned my own car and had to scrape ice off my windshield every morning  
AK: then buddy  
AK: I would have joined right in with the state-swapping discussions  
AK: I just like playing in the snow, that's it  
AK: Gosh this has gone on for a while  
AK: Got to go, I'll do more later

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	20. Chapter 20

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Dana noticed things  
AK: Lots of things  
AK: Most of them were really small things  
AK: For example she said once that my word choice changes when I'm upset versus when I'm really happy  
AK: She was really good at picking up on things like that  
AK: And she always tried to help  
AK: Dana always tried to take on everyone else's problems  
AK: I don't think she liked herself very much  
AK: Makes sense that she was a Void aspect  
AK: Unfortunately it wouldn't have been that difficult for her to  
AK: just  
AK: Just disappear  
AK: Not literally, I mean  
AK: Figuratively  
AK: Disappear into the void  
AK: Assume nothingness as a part of her  
AK: She was always in the back, constantly taking up slack anywhere she even suspected there might be some  
AK: But she always tried to do more  
AK: It was like she never thought anything she did was enough  
AK: Which I think is a little sad  
AK: We all loved her a lot  
AK: She was  
AK: She was Dana  
AK: Our Dana  
AK: Our Dana who noticed things and knew when people were sad  
AK: Our Dana who knew when people were sad and did something about it  
AK: And I can't speak for everyone, but I at least never thought she was anything less than enough

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	21. Chapter 21

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Talking about Dana's aspect got me thinking  
AK: Not a lot of people in our group godtiered  
AK: But a few did  
AK: And we managed to make educated guesses on the classpects of everyone else, based on what we knew of the game  
AK: The first one to ascend was Matt  
AK: He was a Prince of Doom  
AK: Even though he never had a chance to really explore his powers, I think he could have done some amazing things  
AK: But no, he did the logical thing to do when you get the magical sixth-sense information that someone you care about is in danger  
AK: He  
AK: ...  
AK: Matt died  
AK: Really soon after he went godtier  
AK: Like  
AK: Really soon  
AK: Within 24 hours  
AK: It was Heroic  
AK: since he died saving Dana  
AK: ...  
AK: She was in trouble and he knew where she was because Doom powers  
AK: And  
AK: he  
AK: He destroyed her doom  
AK: Like Princes are supposed to  
AK: ...  
AK: ... I think I'd like to go do something else now  
AK: I'll do the rest later

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	22. Chapter 22

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Okay  
AK: Okay, I think I can talk about this again  
AK: Like I said, only half of us went god tier  
AK: It was me, Matt, Fred, and Lucy  
AK: Though the others  
AK: Man  
AK: If they'd godtiered  
AK: Their classpects had the potential to be insanely powerful  
AK: Take Dana for example  
AK: Near as we could figure, Dana would have been a Witch of Void  
AK: In other words, she would have been able to manipulate the void like it was Play-Doh  
AK: Pretty amazing  
AK: And Sean thought he would have been a Mage of Space  
AK: Mages I think are supposed to understand their aspect, so he would have been able to just... /understand/ space in a way I can't quite wrap my head around  
AK: He would have loved that  
AK: Learning all that stuff about space  
AK: It would have been so exciting for him  
AK: I haven't talked about Kate yet  
AK: Kate would have been a Sylph of Time  
AK: She would have had the ability to heal time, I suppose  
AK: Hmm  
AK: What sort of powers would those be?  
AK: Maybe  
AK: Maybe she would have been able to heal a doomed timeline  
AK: Join it back to the alpha timeline  
AK: That  
AK: That would have been pretty powerful  
AK: And Cory's classpect would have been Rogue of Life  
AK: He would have been able to /steal life/  
AK: And then give it someone else  
AK: I think that's how it works  
AK: I think Rogues take something for the purpose of giving it to someone or something else  
AK: Imagine that  
AK: Cory having the power of life and death at his fingertips  
AK: Honestly, I can't see it  
AK: He was such a sweet person  
AK: But  
AK: Sometimes the game did that  
AK: Gave you something you didn't want  
AK: And that didn't fit  
AK: And then made it fit scarily well  
AK: ...  
AK: The next one's easy  
AK: I was a Knight of Heart, of course  
AK: And I think that one fit  
AK: Or maybe I fit it  
AK: Hard to say  
AK: Fred godtiered too, like I said  
AK: He was our Heir of Hope  
AK: /That/ was a good fit  
AK: He was always the most hopeful one in our group  
AK: And being around him made people want to be hopeful  
AK: If he'd managed to unlock all his cool heir powers, I think he would have become the literal embodiment of hope  
AK: He would be able to use hope to empower others and for defense  
AK: I wish I could have seen that  
AK: It would have been amazing  
AK: Now let's see  
AK: Just Lucy left, right?  
AK: Lucy was the only other one who godtiered  
AK: She was a Thief of Light  
AK: But not like Vriska is a Thief of Light  
AK: Lucy had really different powers; hers didn't even touch the idea of luck  
AK: They were all about knowledge  
AK: Stealing knowledge  
AK: She took people's knowledge of things to learn about the game  
AK: ...  
AK: I might have a gap in my memory  
AK: Maybe  
AK: I don't know  
AK: I don't think I do, but how would I tell?  
AK: ...  
AK: No  
AK: No, she promised she wouldn't do it without asking us first  
AK: And she never asked  
AK: And she never displayed any huge leaps of knowledge  
AK: She mostly just stole whatever the imps and stuff had before killing them for grist  
AK: We learned about the politics of the kingdoms that way  
AK: Lucy didn't get to choose what she learned, and it didn't seem to be connected to what the person she stole it from knew, so I think it was just a way for the game to keep us progressing  
AK: She learned what she needed to learn to keep moving forward  
AK: I think that's everyone  
AK: Goodness, this was a long one  
AK: I'm a bit emotionally exhausted after all that  
AK: I think I'm going to go find Eri

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	23. Chapter 23

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: It's weird  
AK: I've been on this meteor for about three months, according to Dave  
AK: And it feels like maybe I'm starting to move on?  
AK: Just a little  
AK: But I'm not sure I want to  
AK: I  
AK: ...  
AK: I don't  
AK: I don't want to move on  
AK: But I am  
AK: It's starting to hurt just a little less when I think about them, and I managed to tell Eri about some of the stuff I've written in here without bursting into tears  
AK: It's  
AK: It's hard  
AK: Because I /don't want/ to move on!  
AK: They were my friends!  
AK: During the game, they were /everything!/  
AK: Protecting them was all that mattered!!!  
AK: And  
AK: I failed  
AK: ...  
AK: I  
AK: failed  
AK: I'm a knight, and I couldn't even protect the people I care about  
AK: ...  
AK: Maybe that's why I don't want to move on  
AK: Some sort of penance?  
AK: Like maybe it's supposed to hurt to think about them  
AK: And moving past it feels  
AK: I don't know  
AK: Like I'm dishonoring their memory or something  
AK: Like I never actually cared about them  
AK: But I /did!!!/  
AK: I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did I did  
AK: They were my best friends  
AK: They were everything  
AK: And I failed  
AK: And it was my fault  
AK: And now I'm moving on  
AK: And I don't want to  
AK: ...  
AK: This  
AK: This probably isn't a healthy way to think  
AK: Like  
AK: at all  
AK: ...  
AK: I'm going to go talk to Eri about this  
AK: Maybe he can help me sort through it

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	24. Chapter 24

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Sean's favorite animal was a snail  
AK: He loved watching them  
AK: He thought they were fascinating  
AK: Dana's was a tiger  
AK: 'Beautiful, regal, and dangerous,' she called them  
AK: I think Cory's was a bat  
AK: He told me once that he wanted to go see Bracken Cave  
AK: That's the huge bat colony in Texas with like a couple million bats all living together  
AK: I said I would like to join him  
AK: Fred's favorite animal was a sunbittern  
AK: A kind of bird, native to South America, I think?  
AK: They're gorgeous  
AK: All browns and whites and oranges  
AK: Matt liked moose  
AK: He thought they were so big and cool and adorable  
AK: Plus 'the antlers are so awesome', as he said  
AK: Lucy said she liked dragonflies  
AK: No particular reason, she just thought they were pretty  
AK: And Kate loved dogs  
AK: She wanted a golden retriever when she grew up and got her own house  
AK: ...  
AK: My favorite animal is a ball python

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	25. Chapter 25

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: ...  
AK: I wanted to do something for graphicPancakes  
AK: Because like I said, I'm not really her anymore  
AK: Or maybe she isn't me?  
AK: Either way, the game killed her just like it killed the others  
AK: All of us died in there  
AK: So this is for GP  
AK: ...  
AK: Her favorite movies were the Lord of the Rings trilogy  
AK: She loved the action and the story and the world and the characters, especially Sam and Eowyn, those two were her favorites  
AK: Though Merry and Pippin gave them a run for their money  
AK: Let's see, what else?  
AK: She hated taking naps  
AK: They made her feel all sluggish and off-balance afterward  
AK: Her friends were really important to her  
AK: She loved to do things for them  
AK: Little things  
AK: Like wishing them happy birthday or sending them a cowboy hat  
AK: She also liked snakes, as I said  
AK: She had a snakeskin collection  
AK: I think the longest one was maybe three feet?  
AK: ...  
AK: She was an only child  
AK: And she said once, after the game started, that it was something she was selfishly grateful for  
AK: Because it meant one less person to mourn  
AK: ...  
AK: GP liked bubbles  
AK: She laughed at a lot of things  
AK: She was bad at drawing  
AK: and worse at painting  
AK: Her favorite color was lemon yellow  
AK: She had maybe a bit of a crush on Fred?  
AK: Okay maybe a bit more than a bit  
AK: It made her happy to see the time '12:34' on a clock  
AK: She sat out in her backyard and watched a meteor shower once  
AK: It took her breath away  
AK: She knew exactly how to walk up the stairs in her house without them creaking under her foot  
AK: She did it every time  
AK: It was like a game  
AK: She had a stuffed caterpillar named Bob  
AK: Her favorite flower was a daffodil  
AK: She had a skirt that flared out when she twirled  
AK: She liked the rain  
AK: Watching it, listening to it, standing out in it, whatever  
AK: She didn't like spiders  
AK: Petrichor was one of her favorite smells  
AK: ...  
AK: That's all I can think of for now

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	26. Chapter 26

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Thinking about GP is still bothering me  
AK: I guess because I'm still not sure where the line is  
AK: Where she stops and I start  
AK: If I'm even right about her stopping  
AK: I don't feel like her anymore  
AK: But maybe I'm wrong  
AK: Maybe I've just changed  
AK: Or maybe I'm right and she's completely gone  
AK: ...  
AK: Do I want her to be gone?  
AK: ...  
AK: Honestly, I'm not sure anymore  
AK: But if she is gone, when did I stop being her?  
AK: When we entered the game?  
AK: When I realized I was alone?  
AK: When I got pulled out of my dead session?  
AK: ...  
AK: I don't know  
AK: I just don't know  
AK: And maybe that's what's bothering me  
AK: Maybe it's connected to the whole  
AK: thing  
AK: The thing about me failing to protect everybody  
AK: Who gets that blame?  
AK: Me or GP?  
AK: Or both?  
AK: Or neither?  
AK: ...  
AK: I get the feeling that this won't have an easy answer

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	27. Chapter 27

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Kate once told me she liked to ice skate  
AK: It was out of the blue, I think, and it just felt really random  
AK: Like it felt disconnected from all the other stuff she liked to do  
AK: But she assured me that she loved to skate, and was actually pretty good at it  
AK: After that, watching figure skaters always made me think of her

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	28. Chapter 28

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Sean believed in aliens  
AK: He was always saying that space was so huge that there /had/ to be other intelligent beings out there  
AK: He was right  
AK: There were  
AK: But I don't think he could have predicted the trolls  
AK: Four types of romance is just confusing  
AK: Not to mention psionics and the whole 'mother grub' thing that Kan is always happy to talk about  
AK: ...  
AK: Huh  
AK: Now I'm curious  
AK: If Sean had gone godtier, would he have known about the trolls?  
AK: And if so, how much?  
AK: How far would his mage knowledge have gone?  
AK: Maybe I can talk to Sol; he's a mage  
AK: He might have some idea

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	29. Chapter 29

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I  
AK: ...  
AK: It  
AK: It happened  
AK: It happened it happened it happened I specifically did this so it wouldn't freaking //happen//  
AK: This morning was pretty normal  
AK: But then Matt crossed my mind and it took me like half a second to pair the name with a face  
AK: Instead of it just //being// there like it's ////supposed to freaking be////  
AK: ...  
AK: ... I  
AK: I can't  
AK: With this  
AK: Not right now  
AK: I need  
AK: I don't even know what I need  
AK: I just  
AK: can't

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	30. Chapter 30

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I logged on to my old account  
AK: It kind of hurt, but  
AK: not as much as I was expecting  
AK: It was more bittersweet  
AK: Eri and I sat down and went through some of GP's old pesterlogs  
AK: It was  
AK: ...  
AK: It was nice  
AK: Having someone else there  
AK: I scrolled way, way up to the top  
AK: To before playing the game was even an idea  
AK: There was a lot of stuff I'd half-forgotten  
AK: We even found that old picture of Matt that I was talking about earlier  
AK: The one of him in the cowboy hat  
AK: And I was right  
AK: It made me cry  
AK: But it made me smile, too  
AK: I saved it to my computer  
AK: So if I ever have trouble pairing a name to a face again  
AK: I'll have it  
AK: And for now, I think that's enough

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	31. Chapter 31

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

  
AK: This is the picture 

  
apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	32. Chapter 32

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Fred once asked me what my favorite sound was  
AK: I said I wasn't sure  
AK: Maybe rain  
AK: He said his favorite sound was his friends' voices  
AK: And that we sounded like a forest together  
AK: Here, let me copy-paste his description  
AK: 'To me, all of you together sound like a forest. A deep blue-green river running over red clay and brown river rocks, worn smooth by time; grey-green moss lining the banks; the pink and bright yellow-orange of a bird's plumage; and behind it all, the muted blue of a cloudy sky.'  
AK: ...  
AK: I lied  
AK: About my favorite sound  
AK: ...  
AK: No, that's not quite right  
AK: I didn't lie  
AK: I just didn't realize at the time how much I liked hearing him describe things  
AK: He got this special tone of voice when he was describing the colors he saw  
AK: Like  
AK: Like he was describing a magical dream and was completely lost in it  
AK: And it drew you in, the way he said things, the way he described the colors inside sounds  
AK: Like you were being pulled into the dream right along with him  
AK: But it was happening in such a way that you didn't mind one bit  
AK: It made you want to listen forever  
AK: ...  
AK: If I had synesthesia, I wonder what color his voice would have been for me

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	33. Chapter 33

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I've talked a lot about Lucy's tendency to tell stories, but I haven't actually gone into detail about any  
AK: The ones not about her, anyway  
AK: One of my favorites was a story about a dragon and a princess  
AK: She liked to tell it, too, so that worked out fairly well  
AK: In this story, the princess is sad and lonely, so she stands up in the tallest tower in her parents' castle and wishes for an adventure  
AK: A passing dragon – 'for dragons were common in those days' - hears her wish, and lands on the tower to ask her if she meant it  
AK: The princess is understandably startled, but recovers quickly and explains that yes, she does want to leave, because she doesn't have any friends and is bored out of her mind  
AK: So the dragon takes her away  
AK: First they go to the dragon's cave to gather supplies and money, and then the princess gets on the dragon's back and they fly off to far-distant countries  
AK: (This set-up was usually good for at least three extra stories about their adventures)  
AK: Finally, after years of journeying, they return to the princess' kingdom  
AK: She is hardened from years of rough living, though thanks to the dragon's gold, she never went hungry or lacked warm clothes  
AK: The princess has learned a lot about the world and about the kind of people who seek to do others harm  
AK: She has seen hardship and loss and suffering  
AK: She has also seen beautiful acts of kindness and sacrifice  
AK: She is wiser than she was  
AK: And so they come back, and the princess reunites with her parents  
AK: They were not great parents  
AK: In fact, the kingdom had been in decline for the past several years, even before the princess left, because the king and queen had been taxing the people heavily  
AK: The princess kicks them out  
AK: She then takes the mantle of queen, and appoints her dragon friend as her adviser  
AK: For many years, the two rule the kingdom together, as equals, and they do so well and wisely  
AK: ...  
AK: Sometimes Lucy would end the story there  
AK: With the golden years of the kingdom  
AK: The dragon and the princess ruling together and making the kingdom a better, safer place to live  
AK: But sometimes she would keep going  
AK: And I want to tell this to its end  
AK: ...  
AK: The good queen lives to be very old indeed, and she never has children  
AK: She says that she can never find a man she loves so much as she loves her people  
AK: Then  
AK: One day  
AK: the queen falls ill  
AK: From old age, the doctors say, and they are heartbroken that they cannot save their beloved ruler  
AK: When she dies, the whole kingdom mourns  
AK: Every house, every fence, every face is shrouded with black cloths  
AK: Every citizen mourns her as they would their mother  
AK: But the dragon  
AK: Oh, the dragon  
AK: The moment she dies, it /roars/  
AK: It roars with pain and sorrow and loss, and the sound is so loud it can be heard throughout the entire kingdom  
AK: Some say the entire world  
AK: For a dragon's grief is something too terrible to imagine  
AK: No one ever saw that dragon again  
AK: Some say it killed itself, some say it died of grief, and some say it simply hid itself away  
AK: Whatever happened, it was gone  
AK: But it left something behind  
AK: A scroll, detailing who will rule the kingdom now  
AK: 'A dragon and a queen,' it says; 'Partners, just like we were. We sent them off a few years ago, and they will be returning soon. They will be wiser for the journey.'  
AK: The adventurers return to the kingdom a few days later  
AK: And so the next good, wise rulers begin their reign  
AK: And so the cycle goes  
AK: ...  
AK: I always liked that story  
AK: People who were good and kind triumphing over those who were horrible and vicious  
AK: A princess who takes charge of her own destiny and learns how to be the kind of queen she wants to be  
AK: And a deep, true friendship  
AK: It really is an incredible story

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	34. Chapter 34

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: There are a lot of things in my old account that I'll probably never put in here  
AK: Simple little conversations  
AK: How are you today, what are your plans for this week, hey I saw this book I thought you might like, what are your plans for the zombie apocalypse?  
AK: Actually, no, that last one was kind of interesting, I might talk about it  
AK: But a lot of what we talked about is so...  
AK: mundane  
AK: The kind of meandering conversations that don't really start anywhere in particular and don't have a point but somehow you go from discussing birds to debating the proper techniques for roasting a marshmallow  
AK: And somehow those conversations mean so much more to me now than our deep, poignant talks  
AK: It's harder to remember their content, of course, but still  
AK: They feel  
AK: ...  
AK: good  
AK: Happy  
AK: But in a sad way  
AK: Because it's like a snapshot of how we were back then  
AK: All smiles and inside jokes and taunts that didn't really mean anything  
AK: And it makes me really happy to remember that  
AK: Really, it was like ninety-five percent of our relationship  
AK: Just  
AK: chatting  
AK: Because that's what friends do  
AK: They talk  
AK: And they spend time with each other with no real goal in mind  
AK: And it's good

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	35. Chapter 35

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Okay so I decided to talk about zombie apocalypse plans  
AK: Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly), this was a question from Matt in a group chat room  
AK: My first thought was to get to high ground  
AK: A few of the others said maybe go to the country, get away from people and find some farmland so you can grow food to survive  
AK: And then Fred  
AK: wonderful Fred  
AK: proposed a cruise ship  
AK: Find and board a cruise ship  
AK: Now originally we were all a bit dismissive of the idea  
AK: Yeah right, Fred, we're just going to go take a vacation in the middle of the zombie apocalypse  
AK: But then he explained it a little more and it made so much sense??  
AK: Cruise ships have food, supplies, power, and provide water transportation  
AK: Zombies probably can't swim due to their, you know, deadness  
AK: So we board a cruise ship, plant some crops or something on the deck, and build a water distiller so we can have fresh water after our supplies run out, and then we just live on this big boat  
AK: It's actually quite brilliant  
AK: We voted and agreed it was our go-to zombie apocalypse survival plan  
AK: And we also all agreed that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, the first one to find an appropriate ship would come pick the others up so we could all survive together  
AK: 'Zombie Apocalypse Survival Buddies,' we called each other  
AK: That made me laugh the first time I saw it  
AK: And I guess in a way, we did end up being apocalypse survival buddies  
AK: Just not against a horde of zombies  
AK: And we never got to live on a cruise ship, which I'm slightly disappointed about  
AK: That would have been fun

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	36. Chapter 36

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: ...  
AK: So I'm going to talk to Rose today  
AK: Talking through things with Eri is helping, but  
AK: ...  
AK: It's not enough  
AK: I'm still  
AK: just  
AK: I feel like I can't move  
AK: Like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place  
AK: I still don't want to move on  
AK: I still can't stop blaming myself  
AK: ...  
AK: I had another meltdown yesterday  
AK: They're getting more frequent  
AK: So Eri's sending me to talk to Rose, since she's the closest thing we have to an actual psychologist  
AK: I'm  
AK: I'm scared  
AK: ...  
AK: How awful is it that I'm a total mess, I /know/ I'm a total mess, and yet I don't know if I want to get better?  
AK: It's the whole thing with moving on, all over again  
AK: ...  
AK: I guess I'll update this later with how our session went

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	37. Chapter 37

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Rose is...  
AK: interesting to talk to  
AK: She writes a lot of notes and looks at you like she's looking /through/ you, which since she's a seer and kind of intense to begin with isn't too far from normal, but it's different in a casual setting  
AK: When it's just the two of you and you have her undivided attention, she can be a bit  
AK: well  
AK: terrifying  
AK: ...  
AK: She gave me a preliminary diagnosis  
AK: PTSD  
AK: I mean, I figured  
AK: I don't think it's possible to finish the game without getting some level of messed up  
AK: But she had a secondary thing that I wasn't expecting  
AK: Survivor's guilt  
AK: According to Rose, it's exactly what it sounds like  
AK: A survivor feels guilty for surviving when others didn't  
AK: ...  
AK: I guess that really is the root of the problem, isn't it?  
AK: It shouldn't have been them  
AK: It /should not/ have been them  
AK: They didn't deserve to die in there  
AK: None of them did  
AK: And I guess on the surface I know that I didn't deserve that either, but  
AK: ...  
AK: If I had had the chance  
AK: The choice, rather  
AK: Between sacrificing myself to let the rest of them live  
AK: Or this  
AK: ...  
AK: I'm not sure I would have chosen to live

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	38. Chapter 38

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I think I mentioned earlier that Cory liked rocks  
AK: He sent me two rocks for Christmas once  
AK: One of them was /so sparkly/  
AK: It looked like he had coated it with an entire container of glitter  
AK: But no, it was just the rock  
AK: And the other one was striped red and white and brown and orange and purple  
AK: It was so pretty  
AK: They were both so pretty  
AK: Cory sent me a note with my new rocks that said he picked those two because they made him think of me  
AK: Because they both just seemed happy to exist  
AK: I thought that was very sweet  
AK: ...  
AK: ... I wonder if he'd still think that  
AK: Am I still happy to exist?  
AK: ...

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	39. Chapter 39

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I had another session with Rose today  
AK: It ended in about ten minutes  
AK: She just kept asking and asking and asking about how everyone  
AK: how everyone died  
AK: ...  
AK: I started sobbing and curled up into a ball and wrapped myself up in my cape and wouldn't come out for another half an hour  
AK: I'm pretty sure Rose has learned how far she can push me now  
AK: And I know she's sorry for going so far  
AK: So I'm going to give her another chance  
AK: We're going to talk again in a few days

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	40. Chapter 40

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Dana had a cat  
AK: She named him Cepheus, which she said was a constellation named after a king  
AK: He certainly acted like a king  
AK: Dana posted many, /many/ pictures of him to the group chat, and he looked haughty and regal in all of them  
AK: He was mottled black and dark brown, and he had white paws and a white spot in the middle of his forehead  
AK: According to Dana, it looked like a star  
AK: That's why she picked a constellation name for him  
AK: Gosh she loved that cat  
AK: Once the game started, he became her sprite  
AK: She prototyped him /after/ she entered the Medium, thank goodness, so there weren't any Cepheus-themed enemies  
AK: I think she was actually kind of happy about him being a sprite, since she actually got to have a conversation with him  
AK: She said it was nice to have him talk back for once  
AK: I'm glad it made her happy

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	41. Chapter 41

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: ...  
AK: I  
AK: ...  
AK: I don't want to do this  
AK: A long-winded rant by Kar /might/ be sufficient to emphasize just how much I do not want to do this  
AK: It's going to hurt and it's going to be scary  
AK: ...  
AK: But  
AK: I need to  
AK: Everyone else keeps telling me it's not healthy to internalize these things, and don't you think I know that??  
AK: I //don't want// this stuff in my head  
AK: I don't want to have to deal with it  
AK: It's awful and prickly and makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it  
AK: So I don't want to talk about it  
AK: But I need to  
AK: ...  
AK: It's surprisingly hard to type when you're crying  
AK ...  
AK: Rip it off  
AK: Like a band-aid  
AK: This is the story of how Matt went godtier  
AK: ...  
AK: So we were a few days into the game  
AK: We were building our houses, upgrading wardrobes and weapons, Kate was starting to send us recipe codes, we were beginning to work on our planets' quests  
AK: Things were actually starting to look up  
AK: Then, while questing around on his planet, Matt ran into some really tough enemies  
AK: He was alone  
AK: and he wasn't a high enough level to handle them  
AK: He managed to get away, but they got a few really nasty hits in  
AK: ...  
AK: He was messaging me when they jumped him  
AK: I got a play-by-play  
AK: Do you have any idea how scary it is to be planets away from someone you care about, with no way to get to them, watching their typing get less and less coherent as they start trying not to pass out from blood loss?  
AK: Because I do  
AK: It's really, ////really//// scary  
AK: I felt nauseous the entire time  
AK: I just remember typing  
AK: and typing  
AK: and typing  
AK: Anything  
AK: Everything  
AK: Whatever popped into my head  
AK: Trying to keep him awake  
AK: To keep him engaged  
AK: I outright begged him to respond to me a few times  
AK: Because there was nothing else I could do  
AK: I couldn't get to any of my upper-level gates, and we didn't have jetpacks or anything  
AK: And even if we did, it would have taken too long  
AK: I felt so helpless  
AK: So, so helpless  
AK: ...  
AK: His consorts found him  
AK: They carried him up a big hill  
AK: To his quest bed  
AK: And then he  
AK: ...  
AK: died  
AK: ...  
AK: His messages had been making less and less sense and then  
AK: he just  
AK: Stopped messaging me  
AK: ...  
AK: I'm not proud of my reaction  
AK: I felt like I was going to throw up  
AK: I must have sent him fifty messages  
AK: Begging him to be okay  
AK: to answer me  
AK: to not die  
AK: to not leave us  
AK: ...  
AK: He woke up on Skaia  
AK: Without a computer  
AK: It took him a while to get back to his land  
AK: When he did, he opened a memo and explained godtiering, as well as he understood it  
AK: I started actually crying with relief  
AK: Then I confronted him about not messaging me back /as soon/ as he had access to a computer  
AK: He apologized and told me that there were a lot of confusing voices and things in his head now  
AK: 'Doom stuff, I think' is what he said  
AK: And then he went really quiet  
AK: And he said he had to go  
AK: ...  
AK: That was the last message I ever got from him  
AK: I  
AK: ...  
AK: I didn't even realize what was happening  
AK: I had no idea what he heard or what he was doing  
AK: I didn't for a while  
AK: Not until Dana posted a new memo  
AK: She never gave us details  
AK: And we never asked for them  
AK: All she said was that he had died  
AK: saving her  
AK: And that he wasn't coming back  
AK: ...  
AK: So there you go  
AK: That's how it started  
AK: ...  
AK: I'm going to go do something else for a while  
AK: This isn't fun to think about

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	42. Chapter 42

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Lands  
AK: I can talk about lands  
AK: Those are mostly happy, I can talk about them and not trigger a meltdown or attack or whatever the heck  
AK: Gosh I'm messed up  
AK: So  
AK: I didn't see everyone's lands in person, but we all sent each other photos and talked about our quests a lot, so I at least know what they looked like and what it was like to be on them  
AK: So let's start with Lucy's land  
AK: She had the Land of Mist and Clarity  
AK: Using Dave's acronym system, that would be LOMAC  
AK: There was a lot of fog all over her planet  
AK: She got pretty far in her questing, and apparently her job was to remove all of the fog and bring about clarity  
AK: Fitting for a light player, I suppose  
AK: Sean's planet was the Land of Physics and Frogs, or LOPAF  
AK: I went there a few times to help him with his frog-making thing  
AK: We all did, after Lucy stole some knowledge and told us how important his job was  
AK: LOPAF was... interesting  
AK: Actually, it was really funny  
AK: There were physics experiments ready to run all over the planet, and you barely had to nudge them to set them off  
AK: But they all were being done on frogs  
AK: Like dropping a frog from way up high and catching it in a blanket to show off some mathematical physics principle that Sean could probably have explained  
AK: Or frogs rolling around in hamster wheels  
AK: Or a frog being spun around in a basket to show centripetal force  
AK: And the frogs were being tossed or spun or slid and they all just had normal froggy expressions, just completely blank-faced, and it was hilarious  
AK: It made collecting frog ecto-slime really easy, actually  
AK: Sean would zap a frog, then direct us around the planet and tell us which experiment to trigger  
AK: I liked LOPAF  
AK: Let's see, then there was my planet  
AK: The Land of Rust and Song, or LORAS  
AK: It was  
AK: ...  
AK: It made me kind of sad, honestly  
AK: It was always windy there, which set off these huge rusty wind chimes hanging everywhere, and they just  
AK: They sounded  
AK: mournful  
AK: lonely  
AK: abandoned  
AK: ...  
AK: My quest was to fix them  
AK: De-rust them  
AK: Bring the song back  
AK: Honestly, the wind thing confused Sean at first when he heard what aspect I godtiered into  
AK: But then we thought about it, and it actually made a lot of sense  
AK: It was the /feeling/ of the wind and the sound that the planet was focused on, not the sound and the wind themselves  
AK: I was supposed to bring back the /soul/ of the planet  
AK: Every time I was on LORAS, it felt like there was something missing  
AK: Something important  
AK: Something beautiful  
AK: And I guess my task was to bring that back  
AK: ...  
AK: Kate's land was the Land of Stars and Age  
AK: LOSAA  
AK: Heh  
AK: LOS-AAAAAAHHHHHH  
AK: But anyway, her land was kind of  
AK: falling apart  
AK: I was never there, but according to Kate, the whole thing just felt ancient and ponderous  
AK: But it was beautiful  
AK: Bright, sparkling orbs floating around like fireflies or stars  
AK: Sean thought that her quest was to heal her planet's age  
AK: Paired with his hypothesis of her being a Sylph of Time, that made sense  
AK: And speaking of healing planets  
AK: Fred had the Land of Heights and Roses, or LOHAR  
AK: His whole planet felt like it wanted to curl up and die  
AK: There were roses alright, but they were kind of brown and wilty  
AK: His consorts were sad and painfully shy  
AK: The only good parts were the mountains  
AK: Fred invited me over once and we climbed up the biggest mountain we could find and just looked over the landscape  
AK: From up there, it was breathtaking  
AK: He told me that being up on the mountains gave him the drive to keep going, and make his planet as beautiful down on the surface as it looked from way up high  
AK: Yeah  
AK: No one ever questioned Fred's aspect being hope  
AK: ...  
AK: This has gone on for a while  
AK: I think I'll do the rest of the lands later

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	43. Chapter 43

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Okay, I have a little more time now  
AK: Now let's see, who haven't I done?  
AK: Dana's land was called the Land of Holes and Silence, or LOHAS  
AK: That didn't really make sense at first  
AK: You know those big rock formations that make a kind of really loud screaming, sighing, wailing noise when the wind blows through them?  
AK: LOHAS was covered with them  
AK: And the wind blew all  
AK: the  
AK: time  
AK: It was /so loud/  
AK: But then you went down into one of the bigger holes in the surface and it was like every single sound from outside was swallowed  
AK: Utter silence  
AK: Every sound you made sounded as loud as a thunderclap  
AK: even breathing  
AK: Dana didn't get very far on her quests because she just couldn't spend a lot of time on that planet  
AK: It made her start panicking  
AK: After a while, Matt paired up with her to go questing and she did better  
AK: But then Matt went godtier and  
AK: Dana didn't do a lot of questing after that  
AK: ...  
AK: Speaking of Matt  
AK: He had the Land of Rivers and Night, or LORAN  
AK: Lots of rivers and bridges and dead trees  
AK: There were /so many/ rivers  
AK: It was like the whole land was comprised of tiny little islands between rivers  
AK: And it was really dark  
AK: From what we could tell, his job was to lift the darkness  
AK: Destroy the doom of the planet  
AK: Appropriate  
AK: ...  
AK: Last but not least  
AK: Cory's land was the Land of Thorns and Soil, or LOTAS  
AK: It was a little surreal to visit  
AK: Everything was covered in the best gardening soil you've ever seen  
AK: rich, dark, loose  
AK: But the /only/ things growing there were giant thorn bushes  
AK: So all this gorgeous, plantable soil, and there is nothing green growing in it, not even a tiny little sprout  
AK: Just thorn bushes  
AK: We think Cory's quest was to steal the life from the thorn bushes and give it back to the rest of LOTAS  
AK: ...  
AK: I think that's all of them

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	44. Chapter 44

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Kate sent me cookies once  
AK: A couple years ago  
AK: I think it was after I told her I'd been having a rotten week  
AK: So she baked me chocolate chip cookies and mailed them to me  
AK: Along with a lovely note of encouragement  
AK: It was really nice  
AK: I appreciated it  
AK: It's the small things, you know?  
AK: In the end, I think the small things make the biggest difference  
AK: Especially when it comes to telling people you care  
AK: Cookies  
AK: Pictures of cats  
AK: Codes for food  
AK: Rocks  
AK: Music  
AK: ...  
AK: Maybe it's just me  
AK: But I really do think it matters  
AK: What you say  
AK: What you give  
AK: Sometimes it makes all the difference

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	45. Chapter 45

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: ...  
AK: Another session with Rose, another half hour of praying I don't break down sobbing  
AK: I hate this  
AK: I hate it  
AK: I hate it  
AK: I hate it  
AK: ...  
AK: But  
AK: It's Eri's idea  
AK: Eri thinks it'll be good for me  
AK: And I can't go to him with all my broken pieces and expect him to magically be able to put me back together  
AK: I just can't  
AK: That's not fair to him  
AK: or to me  
AK: or to anyone  
AK: ...  
AK: Maybe  
AK: Maybe I can talk to Eri about possibly being able to talk to other people about this  
AK: I'm still not entirely sure how moiraillegience works, but I get that he's supposed to be my main emotional support, and you're not really supposed to have feelings jams with anyone but your moirail  
AK: But I think I might need to  
AK: Maybe with Kar  
AK: Just  
AK: Sometimes I need to hug a friend and tell them I'm not feeling too hot and maybe reminisce a little and have a shoulder to cry on  
AK: Or maybe Eri can be that friend?  
AK: Again, I'm not sure  
AK: Maybe we can work this out just the two of us  
AK: Or maybe not  
AK: Like I said  
AK: I'll talk to him

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	46. Chapter 46

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: ...  
AK: ...  
AK: Breathe  
AK: I can do this  
AK: ...  
AK: Lucy went godtier next  
AK: We were maybe a week and a half into the game  
AK: And she just  
AK: went off to her quest bed  
AK: and she  
AK: ...  
AK: She killed herself  
AK: We didn't even know it was happening until she woke up as a Thief of Light and told us about it  
AK: We were all horrified  
AK: I was shaking  
AK: Kate couldn't stop screaming at her  
AK: I  
AK: ...  
AK: I  
AK: I don't remember  
AK: what she did to calm us down  
AK: ...  
AK: I think I found a gap  
AK: But  
AK: I don't blame her  
AK: She had no idea what she could do  
AK: She had literally just woken up  
AK: And we were all freaking out, of course she would want to calm us down and make us understand  
AK: Well  
AK: Whatever she said  
AK: Whatever she did  
AK: The next thing I can remember is her explaining about going godtier  
AK: What it really entailed, what it meant  
AK: The conditional immortality  
AK: The powers  
AK: The classpects  
AK: ...  
AK: I remember wondering at the time how she knew all that if she'd only just gone through the process herself with only minimal knowledge of it  
AK: Now I wonder if she got that explanation from me  
AK: Or Fred  
AK: Or one of the others  
AK: What exactly did she learn?  
AK: But anyway  
AK: yeah  
AK: That's how Lucy godtiered  
AK: ...  
AK: I think Kate sent me a recipe when she sent me those cookies  
AK: I wonder if Jane would want to bake some with me

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	47. Chapter 47

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: Dana loved Avatar: The Last Airbender  
AK: She told me once her favorite character was Toph  
AK: The spunky earthbender who was blind but never let that stop her and never let anyone talk down to her  
AK: Toph is pretty cool, I have to admit  
AK: Was?  
AK: I don't know  
AK: Grammar is even harder for previously-existing TV shows and movies than it is for real people  
AK: But yeah, I like Toph  
AK: Dana introduced all of us to the show, actually  
AK: We all loved it  
AK: The characters and the world and the story are phenomenal  
AK: My favorite character is Zuko  
AK: Throughout most of the show, he's dealt such a bad hand, and everything he does stems from that  
AK: It's a horrible situation  
AK: But he recognizes that, puts it aside, and does the right thing, even though it doesn't match up with what he originally thought he wanted  
AK: Because by that point he's grown as a person  
AK: Zuko has the best redemption arc, 10/10 would love to see something of the same quality again  
AK: I love redemption arcs  
AK: I think the only other person who voiced a favorite character opinion was Fred  
AK: He liked Katara  
AK: He said her voice was a light blue, like a clear sky  
AK: And she was his favorite character because 'she's strong and she knows it,' which he said was really cool to see

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	48. Chapter 48

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: ...  
AK: Next one  
AK: ...  
AK: ..  
AK: I'd ask why I'm doing this to myself  
AK: Forcing myself to tell horrible stories  
AK: But I already know exactly why  
AK: I need to tell them  
AK: And this is the only way I can, at least right now  
AK: If I tried telling them out loud, to someone else, I'd probably send myself into a panic attack  
AK: Or at least start crying hard enough I couldn't say anything  
AK: With a text-based medium, I can take as long as I need in between sentences  
AK: ...  
AK: The Matt story took me upwards of an hour to type  
AK: ...  
AK: I'm procrastinating, aren't I?  
AK: Yeah, I'm procrastinating  
AK: Okay  
AK: Here we go  
AK: No more tangents  
AK: I'm not sure if this is the hardest story to tell  
AK: or the easiest  
AK: ...  
AK: It was a few days after Lucy godtiered  
AK: Roughly two weeks into the game  
AK: We were doing well; Kate was running out of recipes to send us, we were all progressing as best we could on our quests, we were learning more and more about the lore of Skaia and the Battlefield and what our roles were  
AK: I was on LORAS  
AK: Then all of a sudden, Lucy flew down out of the sky and landed in front of me  
AK: I was understandably startled  
AK: It was the first time I had seen her since she went godtier  
AK: She looked kind of panicky, and she kept saying something about her new Light powers  
AK: About learning something  
AK: She wasn't making any sense  
AK: I kept asking her what she meant, what was wrong, but she kept brushing me off and insisted that I follow her  
AK: So I did  
AK: We walked to this big hill, Lucy flew us both to the top, and  
AK: and I saw a big slab of rock with a heart symbol on it  
AK: I'd heard enough from our two godtiered players to know what it was  
AK: So I started asking Lucy what was going on  
AK: ...  
AK: I don't really remember much  
AK: Maybe that was Lucy  
AK: Maybe that was just me  
AK: ...  
AK: I remember my foot catching on something and landing hard on my side  
AK: And my chest hurting  
AK: And then I was on Skaia  
AK: ...  
AK: I tried to piece it together later  
AK: To the best of my knowledge, Lucy pushed me, I fell backward onto my quest bed, and she stabbed me through the chest  
AK: I had to go godtier  
AK: That's what she said when I got in contact with her again  
AK: She kept apologizing over and over and over  
AK: After stealing knowledge from an ogre, she'd learned that I was going to die somewhere  
AK: But she didn't know how  
AK: And she didn't know when  
AK: So she did what she had to do to give me the best chance of survival  
AK: I forgave her  
AK: Of course I forgave her  
AK: She'd done it to try and protect me  
AK: I understand that sentiment  
AK: So I told her to communicate with me next time  
AK: That she didn't have to bear knowledge alone  
AK: That sentence meant a lot to her, I think

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	49. Chapter 49

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: You know I almost forgot about some of the things my friends and I used to talk about  
AK: What with the game and then lots of dying and then meeting a whole bunch of new people  
AK: But like I mentioned earlier, I've started logging on as graphicPancakes every now and again  
AK: Just  
AK: to read  
AK: No real reason in particular  
AK: And recently I came across something Fred and I used to do  
AK: I would just send him a bunch of sounds, either the word for it or a sound file, and he'd tell me what color they were  
AK: We both had fun doing it  
AK: Fred told me once that he really appreciated my view on his synesthesia  
AK: Not something that was weird or confusing  
AK: but more like an exciting new facet of the world that I wanted to explore and understand  
AK: He said it was like seeing everything for the first time, hearing me get so interested in it  
AK: Like I was giving him a fresh perspective  
AK: I don't know about all that, but he was right about my view on it  
AK: It's so interesting!  
AK: I loved hearing him talk about it and tell me what different things sounded like for him  
AK: Let's see  
AK: I've already mentioned that people's voices have different colors  
AK: Mine's a mossy grey-green  
AK: But everything had shades, he said  
AK: For example, a violin usually sounded like an orangey-yellow, but different pitches and volumes made it change to a light yellow or a red-orange or anything in between  
AK: And people's voices changed shade depending on their mood  
AK: I found that really cool  
AK: That he could tell if someone was sad or happy just based on the color of their voice  
AK: Assuming he knew them, that is  
AK: I also asked about more mundane noises  
AK: Paper tearing is a lavender color  
AK: Woodblocks are varying shades of dark green  
AK: Sirens are bubblegum pink  
AK: A pen clicking is seafoam green  
AK: Footsteps in gravel were a kind of salmon shade  
AK: Rain was an indigo-purple color  
AK: His whole world was made of color and light and sound  
AK: It just  
AK: ...  
AK: It just sounded like such a nice place to live  
AK: A world where everything looks beautiful

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	50. Chapter 50

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I wish I knew more about them  
AK: I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s true  
AK: ...  
AK: I knew about them, of course I did, they were my friends  
AK: But sometimes I wonder if I really /knew/ them  
AK: Who they really were, what they believed  
AK: And I wonder  
AK: What kept them awake at night?  
AK: What did they cry about?  
AK: What was the thing they missed most about Earth after the game started?  
AK: ...  
AK: When they died  
AK: were they afraid?  
AK: ...  
AK: I hope they weren’t afraid  
AK: I really hope so  
AK: But I guess I’ll never know

apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


	51. Chapter 51

 

apparatingKnight [AK] entered the chat room.

AK: I found a picture of Cepheus

  
AK: Doesn't he look like a king?  
AK: Dana spoiled him rotten  
AK: I will admit he is a very pretty cat  
AK: I'll have to remember to show Roxy this picture, she'll love him

  
apparatingKnight [AK] left the chat room.


End file.
